"But it could be a better show, and Dirk tells him that. He figures they can put together a real spectacular. The Ice Capades of sex. A Ringling Brothers circus composed entirely of fucking. ‘Jake Gets Plowed’ in IMAX 3D."
"The Asshole party has a mandate and a majority, but the Act Like A Human Being For Fuck’s Sake party is fighting for this one, and they gotta win sometimes, or people will think this is some kind of dictatorship."
“Get any braces snagged in that thing?” “Anyone climbing that ladder of yours yet bro?” “Oh hey man did your metal dick lead you in here to my magnetic personality?” “Sup dude how’s RoboCock? Kicking the ass of criminal cum in Dicktroit?”
"and the next person to ask for Comic Sans because it makes their site look fun and friendly is going to get my foot shoved so far up their ass that the only fun and friendly thing they're going to get is sucking on my toes for the rest of their existence."
"But John was the resident king of being oblivious to any and all romantic endeavors unless it was written down for him, step by step, in a formal letter with charts and illustrations. Asking him on a date would be about as effective as attempting to court him via interpretive dance."
“That’s roughly one metric fuckton of balls that I’ll be tripping over, up to my fucking chin in balls, Mike. The balls will rain from the goddamn sky, cloudy with a chance of testicals, Mike. Are you getting this, Mike?”
"You mute the movie and spend the last hour dubbing over it with stupid voices, and by the end of it have decided that Joe Greene was secretly a hooker and he bought Black Beauty so he could add a pony show to his routine."
"Dude, not only did I spill the beans, I spilled twenty-seven different kinds of beans. Including pinto, lima, a rare hybrid of fava and black beans, and a hitherto unknown species of bean. And after all that you're going to sit around playing with yourself and yawning? Bro code compels you to do some spillage of your own, Egbert."
"Except for his stomach. That shit was having some kind of luau complete with a roasting pig, tiki torches, and dancing. His heart was currently invited to the luau and pulling some fire-swallowing stunt the rest of him wasn't ready to handle."